Charlie Saves Christmas
by UnstableUniverses
Summary: A lovely Christmas poem featuring Perry the Platypus and Charlie working together to save the Philadelphia area from Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Written for the Unstable Universes Podcast.


'Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through the pub

Not a creature was stirring,

Except for one shlub.

A fellow named Charlie,

With the brain of a child,

Stalked towards the tree

With presents in piles.

He glanced to the left,

And peeked to the right,

The coast sure looked clear,

There was no one in sight.

He took a great leap

And dove into the gifts,

He searched for the ones marked "Charlie"

And tore the wrappings in fifths.

But in all the excitement,

He forgot to stay hushed

From the back office came Dee,

And Charlie's dreams would be crushed.

"Get the hell out of here, Charlie!"

She squawked, holding a mimosa

"You're making a racket,

And I'm trying to fuck Bill Ponderosa."

Charlie knew better than to argue

With that horny bird bitch.

Paddy's Irish Pub

He would have to ditch.

So he hit the streets,

Leaving Paddy's behind,

While visions of sugar plum fairies

Danced in his mind.

As he wandered through Philly,

Charlie glanced to the skies.

He saw something flying!

It was quite the surprise.

"Holy shit, it's Santa!"

Charlie screamed out in joy,

"Hey you fat fuck,

Come give me my toys!"

The UFO froze,

No longer making advance.

It turned towards Charlie,

Making him shit his pants.

The flying thing flew

Directly at Charlie,

He knew if it hit him,

Things would get pretty gnarly.

But the UFO stopped

Just in front of his nose,

The cockpit popped open

And out a small body rose.

A weird tiny blue creature,

With a menacing aura.

His head had a beak on the front,

And was topped with a fedora.

The two stared at each other,

Neither speaking a word

Until from quite a ways off

A terrible noise could be heard.

An earthshaking pounding,

That went thud thud thud crunch!

Charlie knew what was happening

And he said on a hunch:

"A huge robot Santa,

Terrorizing our town!

Take me with you, strange rat thing,

And I'll help you take it down!"

The platypus nodded,

And made room in the cockpit.

Though Charlie was larger

So it quite a tight fit.

The shuttle flew high

And sped over the town,

But their destination

Made old Charlie boy frown.

A giant red Santa

Labelled Doofenshmirtz Incorporated

Rampaging through downtown

Leaving it all decimated.

Giant lumps of coal

Were shot from the machine

Crumbling buildings

And squashing young teens.

Perry offered a grimace,

And like a true flying ace,

He accelerated the shuttle

And smashed into Santa's face.

With a crash and screech,

The shuttle came to a halt,

Perry leapt into action

To continue his assault.

He punched Doctor Doofenshmirtz

Right in the jaw,

Charlie watched on

In plain, stupid awe.

The two battled hard

With punches and kicks

Charlie wanted to help

So he grabbed his rat bashing stick.

He swung it 'round wildly,

Hitting quite a lot:

Dashboards and panels

Like a rat stick buckshot.

Doofenshmirtz cried out

"Dear lord, please stop!

You'll make Santa-bot fall

And we're at the top!"

But Charlie kept on swinging

And finally struck

A great big red button reading

"SELF DESTRUCT"

Perry grabbed Charlie

And pulled him back into the shuttle.

Once again, so tight

They essentially had to cuddle.

They flew out of the Santa

And into the sky,

Looking back to see the mech fall

And probably thousands die.

Perry felt awful

But Charlie just chortled.

In his simple mind,

He was now immortal.

Perry dropped him off

At the same spot they met,

A block from old Paddy's

As the sun started to set.

"That was quite the adventure!"

Charlie giggled with glee.

"Merry Christmas to you

And Merry Christmas to me!"

Perry just nodded,

And removed his cap.

He held it out for Charlie,

Who took it in a snap.

"Hey thanks, man,

Too bad I have nothing for you."

After a moment he reconsidered,

"Oh wait! Yes I do!"

The platypus followed the man

Back towards the bar

"Come on, Perry!

It's not too far!"

They entered Paddy's

And headed to the tree.

Charlie grabbed one of the presents

And handed it to Parry.

"Go ahead, open it."

Charlie urged with a smile.

Perry did as he was told,

And opened up a stuffed crocodile!

The two new friends played

With their new Christmas toys

And created a new game

Called "Crocodiles and Cowboys."

"Charlie? I told you to get out!" Dee screamed, throwing open the door to the back office once again. She looked at her friend sitting next to the Christmas tree. Charlie's blank stare shifted over to Dee and she saw that his face was stained teal.

"Oh what the hell, Charlie? Were you huffing spray paint again?"

He muttered something about a platypus and a giant robot Santa Claus, but he was too far gone to be understood.

Dee took Charlie by the hand and led him to one of the booths. She tucked him in and went back to the office to the waiting Bill Ponderosa.

THE END


End file.
